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Heidi Nickerson Levy's avatar

Fathers are such a mystery when we are little and growing up in their shadow. So much we do not understand. And yet, so important for each little human to grow up with knowledge that a grown man loves us, cares for us, guides us.

Mothers do this, too, of course, but there is mystery of a father that is not the same as a mother since most of us know her more viscerally, more immediately, more profoundly as the one who keeps us alive as an infant ~ soft and warm and gentle, her voice soothing and sweet. But fathers are like the tall trees in a forest ~ shelter and strength and immense and unknowable to a young child.

I lost my father to heart disease when he was 59, not as "far too young" as your father, but still too soon, too young. He was planning to retire in six months and take an Alaskan cruise to celebrate. I had the good fortune (in retrospect) to be the one who cleaned out his house when he died. Going through so many papers and personal belongings gave me an insight that none of my siblings have, a deepness in my knowledge of the man he was privately, not even shown to his family. At first I was embarrassed and uncomfortable to know more of his secrets, but as four decades have passed and I have aged, I hold this as last special gift he gave me.

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Chris Rauber's avatar

Great post, Heidi. Yes, we're all mysteries to each other in many ways, but fathers hold a special position in that realm. I'm glad you had the opportunity to see some of your dad's private side.

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Melly's avatar

I appreciate this very much Chris. My father--also gone far too soon. You’ve honored your father with your remembrances over the years, and it helps me grieve as well. I grieve his loss from Jan 25, 1984.

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Dean Mayer's avatar

You have kept his spirit alive for as long as I've known you. I am sure he's somewhere smiling.

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Sarah Rauber's avatar

And I love this picture paired with your piece. The shadow is haunting, and somewhat comforting.

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Chris Rauber's avatar

Yes, a very prominent shadow. I'm guessing the photo was taken when we lived in Albuquerque. Dad may have been in his mid- to late 30s. Looking very youthful.

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Sarah Rauber's avatar

This is so beautiful. I would love to hear more stories as I have even fewer memories. Thank you for weaving these thoughts together for all of us. 💕

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Radically accessible poems's avatar

Lovely tribute!

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Diana S's avatar

Thanks for sharing Chris. Beautiful post. Fathers are mysterious and make an outsized impression. His good impression landed squarely on you.

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Chris Rauber's avatar

Thanks, Diana.

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